I hate that moment where the safety bubble you’ve created for yourself pops and you’re suddenly in reality and forced to deal with it. I’m conflicted and i don’t know how to feel… i want to be over the mess you made and be the bigger person who isn’t bitter and who wishes you well. But i simply don’t. I want to be over it so bad, i don’t know how to deal with my emotions so i just shove them down in hopes they’ll disappear only to have to face them later. Let’s get it all out in the open, i hate you sometimes. It’s been over a year and i still hate you. You emotionally ass raped me to the point of emotional death, i have never cried so much in my entire life. I have never hurt so badly, i’ve never felt so betrayed. I opened up to you in ways i have never and haven’t since, i openly proclaimed my feelings to you. I sent you ‘thinking of you’ packages filled homemade goodies and college survival heat and eat treats and energy drinks. We’d skype, we’d text… i would drive 120 miles round trip just to spend time with you. I told you i loved you, i absolutely laid my heart on the line for you. What did you do in return? You fucked with my head and heart like it was a sick game and won. You’d accept the treats, literally talk to me all night until class in the morning, you’d accept me with open arms when i came to see you. Told me you loved me back… while the entire time you were screwing half of the state and trying to screw the other half. While still claiming TO ME you’re still a virgin. What kind of sick bastard does that? I’d have to find out from facebook that you were in a relationship with someone else, i’d pitch my fit, cry and forgive you because ‘it’s long distance’ and we’re not together so i have no reason to be angry. But you’d keep leading me on… you became less long distant… and i’d spend more time with you. You always embraced me with the warmest and biggest bear hugs. You always knew how to make me melt, but the worst of the worst was when i came to see you and we walked through the park at night. Making a pit stop at the picnic tables to talk, the city streets above us, it was cold. We spent forever just sitting there, talking… being so honest and open about everything. About how we were feeling, about how you were feeling… you told me you loved me, you told me you wanted me in your life forever and ever. Maybe as a wife… you said everything i had ever dreamed of hearing and my heart had never been so full. Then you kissed me, the world stopped turning, my heart spontaneously combusted and stopped beating simultaneously. I had to pull away because i couldn’t breathe, but i took a minute and went back in… savoring the moment. Remembering everything, you had the most perfect lips… they were so full and soft and warm. I remember cupping your faces and running my nails through your beard, i could have kissed you forever. I never imagined i could have felt that way, we left that night with promises of seeing each other soon and i remember feeling hopeful. Remembering how utterly satisfying it was feeling your lips against mine, telling me how you liked my lips and that i was a good kisser. I remember just loving you and wanting to be with you. I remember how quickly the good feelings soured. Like when we were talking about seeing each other and how you couldn’t make it and you wanted to skype with me. Telling me you cared for me, that you’d never leave my life again. You went to go answer a call from your friend and i didn’t hear from you again for 5 weeks. You ignored me for 5 weeks. I was hysterically crying on Christmas because i still hadn’t heard from you and according to facebook you’ve been chillin’ with some chick driving to the same city i live in (the one you were never able to come to) sleeping with her. So i wrote you a note and taped it to your Christmas gift i made before everything happened (a mix CD i put my heart and soul into with a list of not what the songs were but what i wanted you take from the song) my stack of soul healing CD’s and drove up to see you and looked you dead in the eye and left you holding the gift. You have the nerve to pretend like everything is okay and then get an attitude with me when i call you out on the bullshit and you refer to me as another one of your ‘bitches’ and have the nerve to compare my feelings for you to those of a 13 year old child with a serious case of puppy love. I’m an adult who’s spent the last two years developing a love for you not some love sick little girl. Then after i basically told you to go to hell, i deleted you out of my life and tried to move on. Before i could do that however… the wound was reopened because i somehow ended up talking to a mutual friend… only to find out she wasn’t your friend at all. The girl who was like 16, who you told me was ‘like your little sister’ was really yet another girl you were flirting with and leading on the EXACT same time you were talking to me. Except you guys were having phone sex and talking about losing your virginity together. Cool Story Bro. But really, what the hell? Better than that, the same show we were spending time together at was the same one you were spending time with her at… i was inside she was outside and neither of us knew of the other’s existence. That’s where you first kissed her. So upon all of this new information we decided that this just must be your game, you get some sick pleasure from the torment you put on girls. You talk to girls with low self esteem, bad pasts, and a rough life and you make it worse by preying on our trust and our hearts. You never apologized, you never admitted the truth to ANYTHING, and now you’re living happily ever after with a girl who you were also stringing along for a couple of years but then broke the cycle and started dating her. What gives? Why are you happy when the path you’ve paved is covered in corpses of the girls who we’re once living. I don’t understand this logic, here i am… still not over you because i’ve never felt that way about another guy, never had such a deep and instant connection with anyone else and the first and only person i’ve ever been in love with was a pathological liar. He was a sociopath who lied so much i don’t know what was true, if anything in the two year duration of me spending time with you. I feel like if the person who knew who how difficult it was for me to trust and love could treat me like that… what could someone else do? I’m terrified of letting anyone close to me. I’m so confused about everything and it’s warped my understanding when it comes to everything love related. Because if i loved someone who may or may not have been anything he claimed to be… was i in love with a figment of my imagination? Am i ever going to feel this way about another person, even if this person didn’t really exist? I can’t get over someone who may have never been real… i’m broken by someone who didn’t have the consideration to mercy kill my soul, instead drained the life out of me very slowly watching life fade from my eyes and feeling no remorse. No wonder i’m so fucked up, i just want God to fix me. 

You kept me hanging from a string.
Why you make me cry?
I tried to give you everything,
But you just gave me lies.

I can’t take it.
What am I waiting for?
My heart’s still breaking,
I miss you even more.
And I can’t fake it,
The way I could before.
I hate you but I love you.
I can’t stop thinking of you.
It’s true, 
I’m stuck on you.

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