my mood lately has been dipping a lot, i feel like crying my eyes out. I feel so utterly worthless and i’m struggling with day-to-day living. I’m just so mad at myself, for not taking care of myself like i should. I’m mad that i can be SO smart and bright and insightful, yet i walk into a room and forget why i’m there and do this multiple times. I’ll walk out of the house with everything BUT my keys, multiple times. I’ve locked my damn keys in my car, multiple times. Evernworse, i’ve even lost my keys and haven’t the foggiest where they could be. Sometimes my brain won’t work, sometimes it’s like an empty space and other times it’s racing to the point i can’t even pray without ending up thinking about bunnies and then wondering how my mind manages to segway from prayer… to bunnies. Being sick has thrown off my progress SO much, this disease is terrible in the sense it takes NO time for my thyroid levels to get off balance and make you feel like shit and forever for your body to acclimate to the corrected level ie making you feel better. I’m rambling, but i’m just tired… i’m so tired of feeling so bad all the time. Just so you can understand, here are a list of known side effects for this disease-

 Less stamina than others, Less energy than others, Long recovery period after any activity, Inability to hold children for very long, Arms feeling like dead weights after activity, Chronic Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Often feeling cold, Cold hands and feet, High or rising cholesterol, Heart disease, Palpitations, Fibrillations, Plaque buildup, Bizarre and Debilitating reaction to exercise, Hard stools, Constipation, No eyebrows or thinning outer eyebrows, Dry Hair, Hair loss, White hairs growing in, No hair growth, breaks faster than it grows, Dry cracking skin, Nodding off easily, Requires naps in the afternoon, Sleep Apnea, Air Hunger (feeling like you can’t get enough air), Inability to concentrate or read long periods of time, Forgetfulness, Foggy thinking, Inability to lose weight, Always gaining weight, Inability to function in a relationship with anyone, NO sex drive, Moody periods, PMS, Inability to get pregnant; miscarriages, Excruciating pain during period, Nausea, Swelling/edema/puffiness, Aching bones/muscles, Bumps on legs, Acne on face and in hair, Breakout on chest and arms, Hives, Exhaustion in every dimension–physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, Inability to work full-time, Inability to stand on feet for long periods, Complete lack of motivation, Slowing to a snail’s pace when walking up slight grade, Extremely crabby, irritable, intolerant of others, Handwriting nearly illegible, Internal itching of ears, Broken/peeling fingernails, Dry skin or snake skin, Major anxiety/worry, Ringing in ears, Lactose Intolerance, Inability to eat in the mornings, Joint pain, Carpal tunnel symptoms, No Appetite, Fluid retention to the point of Congestive Heart Failure, Swollen legs that prevented walking, Dizziness from fluid on the inner ear, Low or raised temperature, Tightness in throat; sore throat, Swollen lymph glands, Headaches and Migraines, Sore feet (plantar fascitis), painful bladder, Extreme hunger-especially at nighttime, and Dysphagia.

I obviously don’t have ALL these symptomes, praise Jesus! But i have a lot… and each and everyday i wake up… i don’t know which one will rear it’s ugly head. I feel so stupid… i’m not trying to gain sympothy. I’m just really, unhappy and i need love… and i need friends and understanding. But no one tries to understand how much this must suck. To be in constant pain like you’re some kinda old person, being sick all the time, constant anxiety, almost never sleeping, irritated as a mofo, To go from LITERALLY singing your words and giggling like an idiot to feeling like you’re dying and don’t even have the energy to cry, even though it’s all you want to do. The ONLY thing that gets me through this is knowing my suffering is not in vain. God has so much in store for me, so many lives to be changed for the better, to feel like someone understands what they’re going through. And the only way i can become that person is to walk through this hell… but sometimes, i can’t be strong and put one a brave face. Sometimes i just need to cry and need to be told i matter. This pain is worth it, knowing God will turn my mess into someones miracle. That’s all i want. But if you pray, pray for me please. I’m struggling and i need strength and faith. I love you all. Sorry for spamming your news feed with my pitifulness, i truly am blessed because it could always be worse. I’m just worn down. God help me. 

I’m scared to death of light and silence. Jesus kill me inside this. Raise me up to live again. Like you did, like you did.